my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
