Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
