The maid of honor just puked.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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