I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
