is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
