it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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