Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We need to get me chipped asap
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
