is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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