i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
