dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
