I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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