and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
