something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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