i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My pussy is not your playground.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
