The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize