Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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