is wine microwaveable?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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