Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
