I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
