i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
