guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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