i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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