Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
