The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
