ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
