Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
