I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
