I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
