Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
