Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
