i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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