I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Randomize
