i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
