The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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