You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
