do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
