New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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