I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
True strength comes from lack of pants
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize