Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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