my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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