Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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