I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
