i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
