The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize