i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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