i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
