I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She told me I should be a condom model.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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