you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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