He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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