sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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