she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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