You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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