Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
