mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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