Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
