last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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