so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
