I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
