I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
